The once-respected Secret Service is now under criminal investigation, because it appears that certain agents went full MAGA and erased key texts on Insurrection Day. But do not despair. Thanks to my brilliant techie skills, I have successfully salvaged some of the Jan. 6 exchanges. I must warn you, however, that these are only the most recoverable fragments. Gaps in the texts are indicated by ellipses:
…gave me a chunk of his double onion cheeseburger last night – topped w/ ice cream
so what. he let me eat some of his fries once
awesome, did u dip em in his favorite ketchup?
it was dripping down the wall but yeah
this is sooooo much better than guarding a liberal
true that, can you imagine eating foie gras leftovers
u sound like a lib, talking french like that
speaking of french, remember those hookers we had in Colombia they were ooo la la. there was this one girl…
ohyes but pls don’t distract me – lots of weaponry here on the Ellipse…tho lucky for us the big guy loves em
hey when do we move him back to WH?
soon as he’s done rallying his patriots. our man is like Braveheart if Braveheart liked chocolate cake
wow, listen to him, he’s sure putting heat on Prayer Boy to stand down on the ‘Biden’ election count
yah pence owes him like you wouldn’t believe – boss told me that in ’16 pence came to him tears in his eyes begging on his knees, ‘Sir, please make me yr veep.’
what a pussy. hey from where u are, can u see that locked n loaded guy in the tree? glad he’s MAGA, otherwise we…
so what’s the word on where we’re taking Prayer Boy later
not sure maybe to Russia LMAO…oooo here comes the boss back to the limo gosh what a fighter he is tho i gotta drive him now
keep me posted i could sure use a stiff drink or ten
don’t crash any barriers ha ha
(10-minute gap)
sorry for delay! acch jeez my neck is sooo sore
WTF happened
u ever see the Godfather
oh FFS duh, don’t insult me
i said to the boss i am sorry Sir, i can’t drive you to the capitol – then he got manly w/ me from back seat, like he was Clemenza and I was Carlo – thought my shoes wd go thru windshield
ha u said it before, boss is a fighter. u sure yr neck is ok??
guess what – his fingermarks are all over it – but truly it’s an Honor!
OMG, when can i touch them????
maybe after Prayer Boy takes his last ride LOL
do tell! wheels up to where is he going
…cellar…
…bunker…
…mouth gag…
…glass of milk LMAO…
…landfill…
…hoffa…
yah, boss says he wants to settle all family business
um maybe we shd erase these texts
right because lib media cld get the wrong idea. but how??
…potomac river…
…hammer…
…acid…
…toilet…
ha this is why they call us “Secret.” so glad 4 country big guy won the election.
u think he’s having steak tonite? he says next time we’ll get pieces he hasn’t chewed
yum. that’s why i’d take a bullet for the guy