Donald Trump has decided to pick a fight with the governor of North Carolina, who refuses to guarantee that Trump will have a packed arena of acolytes at the Republican national convention in August. The governor has this crazy idea of saving the lives of human beings in the midst of a pandemic, but that doesn’t square with Trump’s only priority, which is to ensure that he’s loved in person on the scale of dear leader in North Korea.
Therefore, Trump is threatening, on very short notice, to pull his cultist lovefest out of Charlotte and take his business elsewhere.
Fine. I can offer three alternative destinations.
Moscow’s Ice Palace. Brilliant idea! Vladimir Putin would love to host his western branch manager. And it’s the best way for President Trump to thank the Russian Mafia that has been propping him up for so many years. The Ice Palace is the city’s biggest hockey arena, and there’s no question that Moscow is safe, because medical people who say otherwise keep falling out of windows. Would it be expensive for the GOP to fly all its delegates abroad? No problem. Putin’s oligarchs, who financed the president when the U.S. banks refused, would be happy to foot the travel bill. And at the climax of the convention, a bare-chested Putin can ride his horse onto the stage with the president tucked behind him, clinging to the strongman’s pectorals.
Lake of the Ozarks. Last maskless delegate into the water is a liberal pussy! And no fair standing six feet away from other splashers! Who needs an arena in Democrat Charlotte when you can breathe freedom droplets at close range, without politically correct rules from elite medical know-it-alls? MAGA staffers will hand out MAGA bathing suits and MAGA towels so that delegates can Transition to Greatness. Those two famous Missouri hairstylists – who were sick with Covid and exposed 140 customers to infection – will deliver the swimfest’s welcoming address. President Trump Himself will walk on the water and deliver his renomination speech, entitled “I’m Treated Very Bad.” Delegates will be urged to lick all handrails and all shared surfaces in order to own the libs.
The Mar-a-Lago Ballroom. Of course! The ultimate solution was obvious all along! Granted, it would be a tight fit with roughly 2500 maskless delegates, but what better way to piss off the blue-state wimps than to enjoy one-inch social distancing and the chance to personally shake hands and kiss cheeks with the president? All delegates can rent rooms from the president at a discount rate of $500 a night; they can join the mandatory church choir sessions that will maximize shared freedom breathing; they can rest at leisure on the nearby MAGA cruise ship that will feature special programs (“Why Didn’t Joe Scarborough Hide the Body?”), plus a South Dakota meat buffet in the low-ventilation canteen; and they’ll be thrilled to find Clorox in their goodie bags. Bon voyage!
Public service announcement: All delegates who get sick from the hoax should cut in line at their local hospital and demand immediate treatment. But if death becomes imminent, their president would appreciate a small percentage of their wills.