HELP WANTED: Criminal defendant at risk of becoming convicted felon seeks veep. Job is vacant because last veep was threatened with noose. New applicants must demonstrate willingness to debase and humiliate themselves on national TV, and to lie on cue when cornered by gotcha media. Less than total employe loyalty will not be tolerated, punishable by hanging (sad), and employer’s loyalty not guaranteed.
Tough requirements, but Trump’s aspiring supplicants are up to the challenge. On the Sunday talk shows we got Kristi Noem, Doug Burgum, and Tim Scott – a veritable toady trifecta. It’s amazing they could talk at all after using their tongues to polish the crime boss’ shoes.
Noem, governor of South Dakota and proud dog-killer, boasted on CBS News’ Face the Nation that Trump has endorsed her new book, that he thinks she’s great, and that she feels bonded to Trump because they both get criticized in the media (“They’re doing the same thing to me, that they do to Donald Trump every day, every day”). Indeed, readers who buy her book “will find a lot of truthful stories and we talk a lot about what we can use as an example from Donald Trump on how he has continued to be a real person, been genuine and been honest to people.”
The italics are mine. She really said that.
And she sucks up to him so much that she concocts bullshit out of thin air, just like he does. This passage from her book is Exhibit A: “I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, I’m sure he underestimated me having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants.”
Clearly she wants to show Trump that she’s Tough (killing a dog, for instance; Trump dislikes dogs), so why not just dream up something that never happened? She never stared down Kim Jong Un because she never met him.
The fact-checking media called her on that last week, as soon as the book was circulated. When Face the Nation host Margaret Brennan asked about it, Noem spun this response: “Well, you know, as soon as this was brought to my attention, I certainly made some changes and looked at this – this passage, and I’ve met with many, many world leaders, I’ve traveled around the world. As soon as it was brought to my attention, we went forward and have made some edits…I’m not going to talk about my specific meetings with world leaders, I’m just not going to do that. This anecdote shouldn’t have been in the book, and as soon as it was brought to my attention, I made sure that that was adjusted.”
Hang on a sec…Didn’t Noem vet her own book? Are we supposed to believe that her ghostwriter made up that yarn – and she didn’t catch it? Noem also narrates the audiobook version – which means that she read the lie aloud and kept going. She didn’t bring the lie to her own attention?
Meanwhile, over on CNN, North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum did his best to pass the Trump audition. Last night, he attended a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser where Trump told a room of rich businessmen that President Biden was just like the Nazi secret police. So CNN’s Jake Tapper asked Burgum whether he was comfortable with Gestapo rhetoric.
Burgum’s answer: “Relative to the reference you’re discussing, I mean, this was a short comment deep into the thing.”
Oh. Trump said it “deep into the thing,” so no biggie. Burgum then explained that Trump is simply frustrated about having to sit in court during his criminal trial: “If it was anybody else, this trial wouldn’t even be happening.”
First of all, Biden has no role in New York State’s criminal trial. Secondly, we’re not talking about “anybody else,” because “anybody else” didn’t cover up a potentially fatal sex scandal on the eve of a president election by faking business records and signing checks that a jury may well decide were done to commit felonies.
Tapper then asked: “If Donald Trump becomes a convicted felon because of this case, will that affect your support for him for president?” Bugum’s answer was Toady 2.0: “Well, if he becomes a convicted felon in this case, that’s a – just a travesty of justice, because when you have got a business filing error…”
Excuse me, what?
“This is a business filing case…a filing error.”
Burgum, translated: Ooops, somebody just checked the wrong box on a form!
That’s all very suckup-worthy, but Tim Scott, appearing on Meet the Press, may have won the Sunday contest by debasing himself the most. Here’s how it went with host Kristen Welker:
Q: “In an interview (last) week Mr. Trump again would not commit to accepting the election results of 2024 if he loses…Why would you join a ticket with someone who believes” that?
Scott: “What he said was, he expects there to be an honest election. He expects the results will be clear and for him to be successful. I expect him to be successful as well…And so I expect the election to be fair, and I expect Donald Trump to be our next president.”
(He refused to answer the question.)
Q: “You voted to certify the election results of 2020. (Trump’s new remark) is the exact opposite of what you said and did in 2020. Why would you want to be on a ticket with someone where there’s such a fundamental difference?”
Scott: “President Trump himself said he expects this election to be fair, he expects it to be honest, and he expects to win…This is an issue that is not an issue, so I’m not going to make it an issue.”
(Refusal #2.)
Q: “Well, senator, will you commit to accepting the election results of 2024, bottom line?”
Scott: “At the end of the day, the 47th president of the United States will be President Donald Trump, and I’m excited to get back to low inflation, low unemployment –”
(Refusal #3.)
Q: “Wait – wait, senator, yes or no? Yes or no? Will you accept the election results of 2024 no matter who wins?”
Scott: “That is my statement.”
(Refusal #4)
Q: “But is it – just yes or no? Will you accept the election results of 2024?”
Scott: “I look forward to President Trump being the 47th president and Kristen, you can ask them multiple times –”
(Refusal #5)
Q: “Senator, just a yes or no answer.”
Scott: “At the end of the day – so the American people, the American people will make the decision. And the decision will be for President Trump. That’s clear.”
(Refusal #6)
Q: “I don’t hear you committing to the election results. Will you commit to accepting the election results?”
Scott: “This is why so many – this is why so many Americans believe that NBC is an extension of the Democrat party. At the end of the day, I said what I said.”
(Refusal #7)
Q: “But senator, as you know, the hallmark of our democracy is that both candidates agree to a peaceful transfer of power. So I’m asking you as a potential VP nominee, will you accept to commit to the election results in this election cycle, no matter who wins? Just simply yes or no.”
Scott: “I expect President Trump to win the next election and listen I’m not going to answer your hypothetical question.”
(Refusal #8. And accepting the election result has been standard practice since 1800. Not a “hypothetical.”)
My own question: Don’t these people care that they’re shamelessly torching whatever honor and credibility they may have, risking it all for a serial degenerate with fascistic designs?
Asked and answered.